If you know me, you know that I like to eat all the time and am bald. You may also know that I like to find out the answers to random questions. I come from a long line of inquisitive people dating all the way back to my great-great-grate-gr8-grandpappy, Sean Colin Patrick McCliftonosullivan. (pictured below)

They may take our lives! But they'll never take OUR CURIOSITY!!!!

Anyway, the way I see it is that I’ve got all the information in the world at my fingertips, so why should I continue to not know how big a Great White shark can be? Or how many teeth sharks have? Or how many shark attacks occur annually?* So I like to know trivial things so I can stomp my family in Trivial Pursuit (I’m looking at you, Jessica). But I’ve come to find that there are some things I will never know or understand, even if I Google them. One such thing is flavors.
*My son is currently going through a shark phase…

FLAVORS

Now I’m not talking about how naturally occurring things like strawberries, kiwis, bubblicious or cows taste. No. Not those things. I’m talking about how they get those freaking Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies to taste exactly like buttered popcorn. Seriously. I can’t even begin to hypothesize how someone was able to conjure that up. Some stoner scientist was able to mix up some chemicals and figure out which ones would make buttered popcorn. I say “stoner” scientist because you know he didn’t just nail it right off the bat. It was probably attempt 6,709 before he got it right and he had to have tested the others. More than that, do you think the failed attempts tasted like burnt popcorn? Popcorn without butter? Orange soda? WHO KNOWS?! I don’t. That’s why I named this “Things I Don’t Understand”, ya dullard! But I digress…. I seriously cannot wrap my head around the fact that something that is clearly not a blueberry, and never was a blueberry, can taste like a blueberry! The process of cloning makes more sense to me than how Starburst can make a chewy square of sugar taste like a dang strawberry.

Another thing I don’t understand about flavors is how they come up with them. Sometimes a candy is labeled “Orange” and tastes nothing like an orange. In which case, maybe they’re just betting what the color orange tastes like? The main culprit in this case is watermelon. I have never, in my 20+ years and 20+ cavities encountered a candy labeled “Watermelon” that tastes like a real watermelon. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the “watermelon flavor” that candy companies use because they’re always the most delicious. If you disagree, I challenge you to a duel at dawn in the valley. But what happened there? I bet they went through a zillion different combinations and eventually said, “Screw it! Number 154,896 tasted freaking great! Let’s just go with that!” Yeah… That’s probably exactly what happened.

So the next time you bite into a delicious Jelly-Belly, Starburst or other artificially flavored thing, just think about all the amazing advances in modern science that got us to this point. You’re welcome.
What’s your favorite flavor?? 

P.S. We adopted our baby this week! Lizah Cruz is her name and being outrageously adorable is her game! Thank you to everyone for your prayers and financial support!!!